* Tonight, John Cena is going to surprise people! And 13 men and women will be attacked by wild dogs and 300 pound men!
* Tough Enough has maybe the worst theme song ever. And the intro video shows the contestants doing push ups while the established trainers laugh at them.
* The two people with the most experience were also the two people who almost went home last week. This week, they're trying to prove that they're in shape enough to last.
* Stone Cold Steve Austin's secret word for the week is courage. People have been paralyzed in the ring. People have died in the ring. There are risks involved with going after your dreams, which is why they're going to be spending so much time falling on their back.
* The dude with crazy blonde hair has been nicknamed "Skidmarks" by Bill "Hugh Morris" DeMott, and he's not making a strong impression. He had trouble body slamming a 130 lbs. woman. For the record, the daily training stuff isn't very exciting--a lot of headlocks and body slams and whatnot--but the point is to drill these people, some of whom have never been in anything approximating a wrestling match before, on the basics of the art. If you can't do it in a garage surrounded by 15 people, you aren't going to be able to do it in front of 15,000.
* Matt Cross, who's been wrestling for around 10 years, just failed to impress the judges. Poor guy. He's the one legit wrestler on the show.
* John Cena just walked through the door and hugged Steve Austin. To Steve, John Cena is the epitome of courage. Cena's here to give a pep talk and ask some questions. "You're only as good as what you do tomorrow," Cena says.
* Rima Fakih, Miss USA, is incredibly nervous in front of John Cena. How adorable. Stone Cold wants to see her body slammed over and over and over again.
* And, after watching people get bodyslammed a few times, Cena is gone.
* PARTY TIME! Luke, who is probably the favorite to win, has an absolutely awful Steve Austin impersonation. If I ever get drunk enough to impersonate my favorite wrestlers, I encourage you to shoot me.
* So far, I'm underwhelmed. This time last week, people were setting up rings, getting into sexist arguments, and were dying at the prospect of running ropes. This episode is doing a good job of showing the level of dedication it takes to be a wrestler (all those bumps!) but isn't satisfying my need to see a bunch of people throw each other under the bus in the trashiest way possible.
* Skidmarks is writing a letter to his girlfriend. According to the Guido he shares a room with, this makes him less of a man. It's somewhat romantic that this muscly, long-haired dude is crying because somebody made fun of him for writing his girlfriend a letter in longhand.
* The Crystal Skull from Indiana Jones just made a cameo.
* A bunch of dogs are here to bite these contestants in the ass. The goal is to run to a checkered flag, even though an attack dog is primed to, well, attack. The contestants can barely run in their puffy suits. Austin seems to think it's hilarious. Eric Watts is going to make the dog his bitch. HE REFUSES TO GO DOWN AND DRAGS IT TO THE CHECKERED FLAG. That's quite a turnaround from last week's awful effort. Luke also makes it, which disappoints Austin. He's only here to see people suffer. Jeremiah, by far my favorite contestant, made it running with the dog on his back. Full sprint. Bill DeMott wants to see the dog kill Skidmarks. He does not. Bill is still disappointed in the way he ran. And poor Miss USA just got destroyed. The dog even took a chunk of her hair. Being attacked by a dog, to her, is what the WWE is all about.
* Miss USA is still asleep. This is upsetting to Bill DeMott, who subscribes to the old maxim that being on time means that you're late.
* The contestants will stand in a corner as Bill DeMott, a 300 pound man, charges into them. Then they'll take five body slams. According to AJ, Bill is more vicious than the dogs. Austin, again, smiles through all of this. Miss USA seems to be the focus of this show. Bill crushes her, and she can hardly get up for the body slams. But she does it. Bill is dropping these guys like sacks of potatoes. According to Stone Cold, everybody did a great job. True enough. Not sure who I'd eliminate, based on this challenge.
* Elimination talk. Trish Stratus is pro-Rima. Bill thinks that it's ridiculous that she was 20 minutes late.
* Bottom three are Matt, Skidmarks, and Rima. Matt's presence in the bottom three is surprising to everybody, but I suppose he lacked charisma in the three minutes of ring time Trish Stratus saw. Matt is pretty freaked out. Rima is also pretty freaked out. She doesn't want to go back to being Miss USA. That seems like a limited career window.
* Ryan is my pick for this week's loser. Few people on WWE programing have been as uninteresting as he.
* Austin leaves his smoke-filled office. He's about to stomp a mudhole in somebody's dreams. He looks absolutely bored with everybody's self chatter. Not buying any of it. "How long did it take you to think of that bullshit?" he asks Skidmarks. Nobody said "WWE Superstar." Whoops.
* Matt hasn't shown Austin anything. He hasn't done anything in nine years. Almost put Trish to sleep. Miss USA has done as much as him, for all practical purposes.
* Austin is fascinated with time, which is why he always asked interviewers what his watch was saying. He wants to know if Rima was late out of arrogance or laziness. There are no other options. Austin is impressed by her ability to keep going, but he's not sure she can handle it.
* Skidmarks is either rubbing everybody the wrong way, or Bill DeMott is an asshole. Skidmarks respects Bill. Austin wants to know why he should get rid of Skidmarks. Matt agrees, as Skidmarks was crying to his girlfriend. You can't cry to your girlfriend if you're going to be a WWE superstar. Now Austin is incensed. Skidmarks is too nice to make it.
* Austin wants to know why the nine year vet is playing it safe. All he's doing is taking body slams and shit. Austin is legit pissed that Matt wasn't doing backflips from the top rope.
* If Rima is ever late again, she's gone.
* And Matt is going home for playing it safe. Wasn't expecting that. Poor guy's dreams have been crushed. And, considering that he's the dude who came into this with the most riding on it, his dreams probably have been legitimately crushed.
* Clearly, Austin dressing down people will be the most interesting part of the show. And I'll probably be unable to guess who'll be eliminated from week to week.
I agree with all yr assessments. Especially Worst. Theme song. Ever.
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